by michelle on September 3, 2010
It’s an uncomfortable situation, and one that I’ve found myself in on more than one occasion. A parent nearby is parenting their child in a way that makes you cringe. Perhaps it’s the parent’s raised voice, the “You are making me…” statements, or the ineffective threats and bribes. Maybe it’s a parent leaving their baby to fuss in the stroller or someone getting angry with a toddler who’s having a
tantrum and can’t be consoled. Watching other people parent can be really tough. Watching myself parent can be tough sometimes too. I don’t always feel fantastic about the way I parent, even though I have a pretty clear idea of what I want my ideal parenting to look like.
It’s especially tough to watch myself or someone else parent badly when I’ve got the attitude that there is a gold standard of parenting that all parents must be held accountable to. There may be certain parenting practices that are widely accepted but potentially harmful to babies and children, such as leaving a baby to cry to sleep or formula feeding without any attempt at breastfeeding. But even if we are absolutely certain that our parenting choices are better than others in some way, that doesn’t give us the right to harshly judge, criticize or put down parents who make different choices or who slip up and make mistakes.
Right now I’m reading Thich Nhat Hanh’s Creating True Peace, and as he says, the only way to end war and confrontation between groups of people is by first ending the violence in ourselves. Outer peace flows from inner peace. Peaceful parents create peaceful parenting. An angry activist isn’t doing anybody any good if what we really want to see in the world is more peace. Being an advocate doesn’t mean it’s ok to be condescending or harsh with people who choose to parent in less-than-perfect ways. There might be situations where we need to speak up for the child’s safety, but most cases of poor parenting are not cases of serious child abuse. Even when we do need to speak up immediately for the child’s sake, it is possible to do so in a compassionate, mindful way.
I’ve been on both sides of this situation: I’ve certainly witnessed some uncomfortable parenting in public, and I know I’ve parented my kids in ways that other people would rightly find fault with. I’m not perfect. My kids aren’t perfect, and I can’t expect other parents or their kids to be perfect either. Nobody is perfect, so let’s stop pretending that we all have to live up to some platinum parenting yardstick in the sky.
Instead of criticism and anger, let’s try compassion. Compassion for our own suffering when we make parenting mistakes, compassion for our kids when they make their own mistakes, and compassion for other parents, who are just doing the best they can with what they’ve got and have their own burden of suffering to carry. Let’s offer peace, quiet listening and a helpful hand.
What do you do when faced with less-than-ideal parenting – your own or other people’s? How do you help without blaming, attacking, criticizing or passing judgement?
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by michelle on September 2, 2010
This week’s resource review is an ode to my favourite institution: The Public Library. Our local library is a weekly destination for my girls and I, and we come home each week with armfuls of books. Here’s my reasons for lovin’ my public library so much, and why I think it’s a useful resource for all parents.
Libraries are for Learning
Want to learn how to speak French, or how to can plum jam, or the basics of Non Violent Communication, or find out which behaviours are developmentally appropriate for a three-year old? Go to the library! Libraries are treasure troves of information, and if you can’t find what you want there is a helpful librarian there to assist you. Spending time at the library with your kids shows them that learning is a lifelong venture that both adults and kids engage in, and exposes them to the worlds of science, technology, literature, ancient history, folklore and art within the pages of books or other media.
Libraries are Free
No matter where our budget is at, I love walking the shelves of our library and thinking, “I’ll take that one, and that one, and this one too!” I don’t have to check the prices or make tough decisions about which wonderful book to leave on the shelf, except when it comes to borrowing only what I can carry home. There have been a few times that I decided that a particular book was too good to return to the library permanently, so I bought a copy to have as a reference on my bookshelves at home, but at least I knew that it was a great book that I wanted to have around. There is nothing worse than buying a book or CD, getting it home and discovering that it’s junk.
Libraries are Social
We often meet neighbourhood friends and acquaintances while visiting our local library, and we meet new friends and neighbours at library programs like family storytime. When the playgrounds are deserted in the wintertime, the library and indoor kindergym take their place as the public hub of the parent and tot social scene.
Libraries are Extensive
When I’m searching for a particular parenting resource, I can almost always find it in my public library’s catalogue. I feel lucky to have such an extensive and well-supported library nearby, with the option to request books from other libraries across the city and have them delivered to my local branch. I know not all parents are so lucky, and that some libraries don’t have such an extensive collection – when I was living in Ireland my local library consisted mostly of romance and mystery paperbacks – but most libraries in big cities have a large collection of books across all genres, including up to date parenting books.
Learning about parenting or anything else often involves a lot of reading. I like to read many different perspectives on the same issues, and there is no way I’d be able to afford to buy every parenting book I’ve ever read. My public library makes it easier for me to learn and grow as a parent by making resources available at no cost. The difficult part, evaluating and making changes to my own behaviour, is still up to me, but at least I can borrow and read as many books on the subject as I want.
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by michelle on September 1, 2010
